The Fear of Losing Control

I apologize in advance for the length of this blog.

Truly, I don't have many issues with control. I prefer driving (control issue), I try to keep my home environment very "lite" and cheerful so as to keep it as positive as possible (control issue, though not by any means a bad one), I prefer to offer my support (financial or otherwise) and my time to people (outside of my unit) rather than have them ask me for it (control issue no doubt picked up from my step-father, lol), I don't allow kids to act grown around me (my neice and nephew can attest to this one). Those are a few of the things that I have some control over so I try to take advantage and make those things go my way. I rarely worry or struggle with having control over things that I know I have no control whatsoever over. It's such a waste of positive energy in my opinion. I've learned recently, or I've deducted that people who have control issues, sometimes try to exert control areas that are unnecessary when they've lost control in other areas of their lives. Whether it be their physical health, financial situation, in relation to work, or whatever. In these areas in particular, I think we have some control, not full control. We can eat better and work out more, but we still may have an ailment surface that we could not have done anything to avert. It's for a reason. We can budget better, save more, make wiser investments, but unexpected things happen every day that cause our financial plans to be thwarted. It's for reason. At work, all we can do is our very best with what resources we are provided to complete our daily tasks, that's about it; so it tends to be easy to not stress in this area when you know you've given your all and then some. So when we lose control we get scared. We close up. We fight with those we love about nothing or very insignificant things. My truth is this: I have control of my attitude (minus the few days where my P.M.S. is kicking my @$$), my will, my smile or lack there of. God controls pretty much everything else. Once I thought I had control of my mind, completely, oh boy was I proven wrong when introduced to the wrath of p.m.s., which I'd never experienced before up until a few months ago. I thought I was losing my mind because I lose the ability at times to remain even tempered (one of my strong points), to be balanced (sound mind, spirit, chi, energy, etc.). Once I became more conscious of the issue I was faced with, through meditation and having long conversations with myself about it, I found that the truth is, it is what it is, like most things in life. IT IS WHAT IT IS! So, sometimes I have to find a quiet spot inside myself and sit there for a moment until I calm down. My loved ones understand that I am going to be a bit shorter. I may say more things that maybe I would not have said on a normal day, or I may say things in a bit more brash tone than normal, because whatever hormones are out of balance at that time cause me to not be as concerned as I normally am in regards to other's feelings, emotions, ego, etc. What's important is that I am aware of this, and I find peace in trying to change the parts of this problem that can be hurtful to others. I think it would help, if there is someone whom you are close with, whom you trust, whom you know loves you, if you would just open up and talk more about what you are afraid of. Letting it out and talking it through helps sometimes. Just let God......